abolishing the first date

I was talking with a friend the other day about first dates. We both agreed that they are quite possibly the worst things in the world next to Typhoid Fever and Sting post-Police. For someone like me who is awkward and quirky at the best of times, the last thing I need to be doing is spending time getting to know someone while trying to make a good first impression. I don’t make apologies for it, but being demure and quietly adorable are not really my strong suits.

I feel like there’s not a lot of things you can do on first dates that will be comfortable for all parties. You should never go out to eat. Ever. What if you get a meal that is unexpectedly messy and you look like a slob? What if the other person orders something that absolutely repulses you and you have to be okay with it? What if they slurp, chew with their mouth open, or don’t chew at all and choke and you have to remember your CPR training from two years ago? Or, best case scenario, one of you is talking more than the other which results in the other person finishing their plate of food way faster. All awkward and best left until you have been dating for two months and you can ignore those things since you’re already a smitten kitten.

People also seem to think competitive activities are a good idea, such as bowling or mini golf. It may be for some but unless you want to see the sorest loser and the most graceless winner, do not take me. We should be married before playing any sort of game. (If you think I’m exaggerating, just ask the guy about the controller that got thrown across the floor when Rainbow Road in Mario Kart became my Everest.)

Movies are a terrible idea, for obvious reasons. Drinks become awkward the moment you order a Guinness and the guy you’re with orders vodka-cran and looks at your drink like it’s Buckley’s Cough Syrup. Walks are probably the best option since there’s no pressure, you can judge your date’s physical condition and if things start going really bad you can always up that walk to a run and get the eff outta there.

Unless pigeons or geese start attacking you because of the beer nuts you carry in your purse at all times for random bouts of famine. Then that gets awkward too.

What I’d really like is to skip to date five. I want sweatpants and beer on a couch with no makeup on watching Will Ferrel do something ridiculous. I want to get past the moments where I say awkward things and he questions a second date and get to the point where it’s too late because I already know your apartment buzzer code and you know the names of every hamster I’ve had. Sometimes I just want to shower and that’s it, no hair brushes or foundation required. And I want him to have the same boy-related freedoms.

But you can’t really do that for awhile, can you?

I think a trend should be started where we abolish the first date completely, skipping to the point where we feel most comfortable. I can’t imagine that anyone is stoked for a first date, instead they are nervous and unsure about everything that might be about to happen. If you don’t feel that way, you probably have too much gel in your hair and wear a gold chain across your hairy chest. That or your idea of appropriate date attire is a dress that makes the world wonder if we’ll be seeing your lady bits sooner rather than later. Either way, you’re overly confident in ways I have never understood and this post has nothing to do with you. Carry on.

I’m looking forward to my next first date, mostly for the likely embarrassing blog post that will follow it. I just really hope that the next first date becomes my next fifth date and my Maybelline can take a break.


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