ten ways to ensure you never date me.

I don’t really think I have a “type”. I guess I do like specific sorts of guys, or gravitate towards them, but the guys I have dated have all been relatively different.

While I’m still trying to figure out the concrete list of things I am looking for, I definitely have a list of things I’m not.

Welcome to the ten ways to ensure you never date me.

1. There’s a racing decal in your windshield – I saw a guy the other day in a red Honda Civic with all these details and racing seats which probably cost more than my entire bedroom set plus its walls. Across the top of his windshield in large, bold, white letters it said, “SPOON.” I’m sorry, what? Unless you are an underplayed and awesome band, a method for getting soup into my mouth, or a cuddling style, that’s not what your windshield should say. When it says something like that, what you’re really telling me is, “I’m a dbag.”

2. You are rude to service people – if they are checking out your new clothing purchases, getting you a beer or serving you hot food, be nice. Yes, sometimes waiters and customer service associates suck. Yes, sometimes you have to bring out a little attitude because they just brought you a burger with no pickles when you asked for extra pickles… For the third time. In those situations, okay, you don’t have to be overly nice, but you don’t need to be rude. If you start off speaking to them like they owe you something, we’re going to have problems.

3. You own more grooming products than I do – I’m not really high maintenance when it comes to my personal appearance, but here is a general list of what I do own: three different styling devices that get really, really hot, two different hairsprays, hair pomade, two different mousses, two makeup bags full of makeup, two different hairbrushes and a comb, two different shampoos, two different conditioners, three different body washes. If you have more than that and not because your mother keeps buying you products as a hint, then your maintenance level is at a place that I cannot live up to. We should call it quits now.

4. You think Phil Collins and Genesis are the same thing – They’re not. One sings about Tarzan, the other does epic rock songs. Do the math.

5. You don’t have your own opinion – I dated a guy awhile back that changed his mind for everything I said. It almost became a game. If he said, “I really like barbecue chicken wings” and then I said, “Yeah, they’re okay, but I think garlic parmesan are way better”, he would promptly change his mind with something along the lines of, “Yeah, yeah you’re totally right  now that I think about it. I don’t know why I never thought that before.” This would be the case with everything. I actually started to find it so hard to respect him and hold a conversation with him because I knew I would be bored by his lack of personal opinion I ended up breaking up with him. Have a backbone and tell me how you really feel, please.

6. You text me so often that my phone battery has started to die prematurely – If we’re talking, I’m sure I like you. I probably am starting to wonder if this might go somewhere. Everything is cool. Then all of a sudden I don’t answer for two hours because I’m working or sleeping or just not really into speaking and I look at my phone and I have a string of text messages that rivals the Declaration of Independence in length. No. Not okay. Just put the phone down, I promise I’ll answer.

7. They’re, their, and there are all the same to you – Same goes for to, too and two. And our and are. I could go on. I may not always be grammatically correct with everything I do but I have the basics down. It may sound like I have my nose in the air on this one but really, we all learned this in high school. This one is sure to make me doubt that Masters Degree you apparently have.

8. The first thing you say to me is, “I’ve always had a thing for redheads.” – Then go find one because clearly it doesn’t matter to you which one. You could tell me that you really love my hair or that my particular colour of red is really nice. Or you could make a ginger joke. I’m okay with having attention drawn to my hair and I understand that some people do, in fact, really like redheads. The unfortunate thing for you is that saying something like that doesn’t make me feel special at all.

9. I mention Disney films, you say something about being a child – I learned everything I need to know about life from Disney films. Show some respect.

10. You name drop, make it obvious that you’re wearing expensive clothing, or talk openly about how much money you make – I don’t care. I don’t care if you’re rich, poor, or living with your parents. I don’t care if you’re wearing Wal-Mart or Hugo Boss. I really don’t. I care if you’re nice, respectful, funny, and intelligent. I care that you care about me and my opinion. When you start only talking about the people you know or the clothes that you’re wearing, I’m going to wonder if there’s anything more to you than that. I’m also going to assume you have a racing decal on your windshield.


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