five things to say to remind everyone that you’re better than them.

We’ve all known them; those people who say things to sound intriguing, intelligent, or in-the-know. The words escape their lips and you swear you can see the shoddy attempt at masking a smug smile. They speak their sentences and, generally, you just stop.

How do you respond to something that is so blatantly douchey without being a douche yourself?

You don’t.

Here’s five things people say to attempt conversation, yet fail.

1. “Oh, I was listening to them, like, five years ago. They were way better before.”

Okay, so your favourite band went mainstream and now everyone knows who they are. They have a single out that’s being played on every single radio station known to man, the lyrics to it are in everyone’s Facebook statuses and Youtube is littered with covers (Gotye, I’m looking at you). This doesn’t discredit them. Being unhappy about your favourite band making it is like your best friend getting married and you saying, “Oh, yeah, I heard she’s doing that but I knew her way before she was even with him. She was way cooler then.” Be proud, be happy, be supportive about it. It’s cool when the things you like are things other people like because then you can share them and have friends to go to their shows with you and you don’t have to rock out all alone in your car anymore.

2. “Even I can draw a red line across a piece of canvas.”

Of course you can. The problem is that you didn’t. Someone else did, people liked it, people bought it, and now it’s at the Art Gallery of Ontario and you’re turning your nose up at it. Sometimes you don’t have to understand things, sometimes you don’t have to get why it costs three million dollars; just appreciate. If you’re name isn’t on the plaque beside it then I’m doubting your red-line-on-canvas drawing abilities.

3. “Don’t worry, I broke up with someone like two years ago and it sucked. Now I’m with someone awesome who loves me so cheer up!”

This is usually said by someone who isn’t remotely a good friend and has no business being around for your wallowing phase. That’s cool, I’m just chilling here with my popcorn that I’m dipping in triple fudge ice cream watching an Intervention marathon to remind myself that there are worse things in life than getting dumped. This is the perfect time for you to remind me of the awesome boyfriend you have. Oh, wait, what’s that? You just tweeted that it’s “times like these that I’m reminded of how perfect my boyfriend is”? Good, good, I’m glad I could shed light on that for you.

4. “I’d rather not talk about it, I don’t want anyone to think I’m talking bad about them.”

Come off it. Unless you’re Mother Theresa reincarnate, you’re bullshitting me. I’m just going to assume that you choosing not to talk about someone is because you’ve already chosen that person as your “go-to” for your gossip. Therefore, this would be a conflict of interest for you. Also, I already heard you call someone mean names in the last two days so you’re self-righteous high road is already washing away.

5. “Everything I own is from Value Village or consignment stores. I never shop retail anymore.”

I’m not knocking the thrift store purchaser in any way here. They are great places, you never know what you’re going to find, and they are crazy inexpensive. The thing is, you probably just said that because I said I liked your skirt and I saw one exactly like it at Forever 21 three days ago. You’re now making it clear that you would never actually buy something at Forever 21, that would be like listening to Gotye now that he’s on the radio.

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