why can’t i watch football?

“So is your boyfriend a Broncos fan or something?”

That question. That. Question.

I have been asked that question more times than I would care to have been, as in I’ve been asked it more than zero times. I’m usually hanging out in my Broncos hat or tshirt or maybe my sweatshirt, looking fantastic and drinking something very sophisticated and ladylike when this happens. Only half of that sentence is true. However, some guy will think it’s a good idea to talk to me about it and to use it as an ice breaker.

Not a bad idea. You like football, I like football. Common ground good.

Now, I’m sure in his brain he’s thinking, “If I ask her if she’s representing her boyfriend’s team, I’ll do that whole two birds, one stone thing; I’ll all at once find out if she has a boyfriend and if she actually likes football. Oh, great idea, man!”

Then he mentally fists pumps himself and walks himself over.

The problem with this is that even though common ground may be good, douchey comments are not. Douchey questions? Even worse.

So he struts his self-proclaimed fine ass over, introduces himself (maybe) and asks that question. That. Question. That. Question!!!

Offside, offence, number zero, ten yard penalty. No repeating first down, thank you.

Then my brain does many things at that moment. It goes in circles, ego fighting id for dominance and vice versa. So many thoughts go through my mind it’s hard to decipher them all.

“Did he actually just ask me that?”

“Why is his cologne so strong?”

“I wonder if he knows that he sounds like a douchebag.”

“Yeah, my fake boyfriend who could kick your ass, buddy!”

“He’s probably a Patriots fan.”

And so on.

The thing is, is that I’ve never been a fan of football because of a boyfriend. I honestly don’t even think I’ve had a boyfriend who watched football. I had boyfriends who tried. I had boyfriends who kind of had teams but didn’t really care all that much. I’ve been into guys that have liked football but they were never my boyfriend so that doesn’t matter either.

So by asking me if my Denver Broncos garb is a direct result of some guy, you are now insulting me. It’s sexist to assume such things. I can like football, understand football, follow football and trash talk your team with or without a boyfriend.

On top of all of this, if I coolly answer, “No, no boyfriend, just a fan” I usually get this spectacular recovery answer:

“Ha, oh, I just didn’t think anyone would choose to be a Broncos fan, ya know?!”

Then he will laugh. And laugh some more.

You just fumbled hard, dude.

Look, I’m going to make fun of your team. Guaranteed. If we had a good thing going and you wanted to make fun of the Broncos, that would be welcomed and met with equally hurtful comments. The problem is that we don’t have a good thing going. In fact, we have a very bad thing going so far. And now beyond insulting me personally, you have also insulted my regular Sunday date. Too far, bro, too far.

The best part is, is that if you keep this up I’m going to be dragging your remains all over the field. I’m not normally the aggressive, fast-talking one in these sorts of dating situations. Not until I am insulted, that is. And then suddenly I’m scoring points for all the wrong reasons in your book.

Hey, how did that girl just score two points on the dating field?

Oh, right, she tackled the quarterback in possession in his own end zone.

Ouch, man, that also almost never happens.

Look. You can make fun of me. You can be all like, “Hey are you jealous that Tebowing is no longer a Denver thing?” Or, “Hey, way to pretend to be making a comeback in the fourth quarter and then not.” Or, “Hey lately the Broncos have been playing really well, that Peyton is on fire!”

Oh… wait.

Anyways, the fact of the matter is never, ever, ever assume something about someone because of the team shirt that they are wearing. It’s not nice, just ask them.

Unless you’re wearing a Patriots shirt. In that case, I’m going to assume terrible things about you.

Bengals are going down this weekend, I tell ya.

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