i’m an old lady.

Five things other people my age are doing that I have no interest in doing myself:

1. Keeping up with slang

I actually have no clue what people are saying half the time. The other day at work a coworker said to me, “Yo, the line cook who was here before me left the kitchen so crispy” and I honestly thought something was burnt. Upon asking what food item was victimized he stared at me blankly then said, “No, like, it’s crisp. Like, clean and stuff, you know?” Ah, yes, I know that one…

2. Drinking lots of alcohol

I used to drink more often. I used to go out and party and sit at bars and eat Tex-Mex food at three a.m. I used to wake up all groggy and “where’s the Advil”-like. I don’t anymore. I still like beer. I still like whiskey. I still like a plate of nachos. I don’t like figuring out cab fare, sleeping arrangements, and my entire life the next morning.

3. Getting married

I actually feel like a boat came to a harbour, both of which I was completely unaware of, and scooped up half of the people I went to high school with. This boat was the S.S. Engagement and once they reached the other shore they were all clad in white dresses with rings on their fingers. I’m just chilling back on this other shore, content with the naked ring finger I possess and confused as to when people started getting married when they were, like, 12. Okay, whatever, we’re early twenties and that’s legitimate but still…. what?

4. Having sex

Look, I’m not judging by any means here. You can have sex whenever you want with whoever you want and that’s all fine by me. I just don’t see the desire in having sex with random people on random nights, on first dates, on Wednesdays. Don’t you care that it’s a lot of work, especially at this time of year? On any given day I’m wearing tights, socks, skirts, sweaters, tank tops, jackets, scarves, and hats. That is a whole hell of a lot of layers to remove before anything worth removing them for even starts. Doesn’t seem worth it to me.

5. Watching Gangnam Style

So what if I still haven’t seen it? I know the gist of it: a man raps in Korea, says “Hey sexy ladies!” and waves his invisible lasso while riding an invisible horse. What more do I need to know?

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