this is a public service announcement.

It has come to my attention lately that there has been a very dark, very dangerous movement happening in the world. It is a motion that was set in place, likely many years ago, by people who literally just want to see the world burn. It is something that can actually destroy the lives of many and, if not their lives, at least their faith in humans everywhere.

There have been attacks on the legitimacy of raisins everywhere and it needs to stop.

I know that some people do not like raisins but I don’t like peas and you don’t see me calling for the banishment of all peas. I just banish them from my life like a normal person. I overhear many people say, “Are there raisins in that tart?” and when someone replies “yes” the next logical response for the original speaker is, “Ugh, I wish we could just get rid of all the raisins in the world.”

No, we cannot do that.

I think that people just need to learn to accept their little, wrinkly shells with their soft explosions of sweetness on the inside. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for, is it? They really are a delightful thing to come across in some sort of bread pudding or butter tart. You can soak them in liquids and they’ll soak up that liquid and then all of a sudden voila! you have boozy raisins.

And if one more person suggests that the oatmeal raisin cookie should always be an oatmeal chocolate chip cookie I might actually just throw a tantrum. Look, I’m not going around swapping around the chocolate chips in your chocolate chip cookies for raisins. One, it would be a disgusting cookie. Two, I’m just not going to do that to your life. So please stop threatening to swap out my favourite cookie for some sort of genetic cloning mistake. It’s just not fair to those of us who actually do like raisins.

I told someone the other day about this, about my fear of the raisin becoming threatened by impending genocide and she said, “You like raisins?”

“Yes,” I responded.

“You’re wrong.”

…I’m wrong? I’m wrong? For liking such a sweet little poochy ball of love?! I don’t tell you that you’re wrong for dating everyone you’ve ever dated, lady, so stay out of my raisin love.

I get that you might hate the texture. I hate the texture of a lot of things like beans, avocado on its own, crunchy peanut butter, the aforementioned pea, and sweaters that are so stiff they end up exfoliating off your first three layers of skin. The thing is, I don’t call for the abolishment of these things (except perhaps the sweaters because find me a person who enjoys a sweater that looks soft but turns you into a burn victim and I guarantee they also like Keanu Reeves for his acting). I just avoid these things in my daily food choices and if they happen to turn up, I either pick them up or eat them anyways. Okay, so I might not be the most discerning person in the world but there was a time in my life where I would be the worst person to eat with because I hated everything and nothing could touch. I still didn’t call for all plates without dividers to be thrown out or any mushroom meal to be thrown out before anyone could have it.

I just didn’t want to ruin everyone else’s existence, you know?

So don’t ruin mine.

I really like raisins. I know of at least eight other people who do, too. If we’re going to do the math on that, that’s about half of the people I know. Therefore, at least half of the world’s population likes raisins. So you can’t really get rid of raisins without starting world-wide warfare.

You can’t argue with scientific fact like that.


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