week one.

Readers beware: this post may get long.

The following is a collection of things that I’ve seen, heard, and written down in my first week of being in Ireland. Enjoy.

“Every time I see another thing here it’s like my soul is getting crushed over and over again in the best possible way. Yesterday Dublin didn’t seem like much more than another city but I’ve seen so many pieces of its heart, history, and beauty today that I can see the love people have for it. I’ve started this trip with a brief introduction into Ireland and its vast history. I can’t wait to learn more.”

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These guys:

And these guys:

“I took a walk
The bridge to the cobbles
The steps to the green
All the while
I thought of you
I tried to think
Your hand in my grasp
Your eyes with that look
The one you give
When you look at me
I’m just a girl
Who spends her time
In her head
Whose heart wants love
Who soul wants you
I took a walk
The pond to the sky
The heart to the hand
All the while
I thought of you.”

DSCF0547DSCF0579“I never meant to give you the night. The night is personal, intimate and strange. Giving someone the night is giving someone a part of yourself you aren’t even aware of, the most subconscious moments you’ll ever have. I wanted to explain to you that giving you the night was more than you had asked for but I feared you wouldn’t understand. What we had was not love, it was much smaller than that. What we had was much bigger than fear, and that made it feel like love. If an emotion has the capacity to trump your faltering faith, you assume it to be love. We all conveniently forget that love is built on a basis of fear; fear of loneliness, separation, betrayal. Fear is the embodiment of love. It is really just that we are so beautiful when we are in love, so much more beautiful than when we are merely afraid. But it is in the night that our true fear arises, when we cling to each other in tangles of sweat and skin and snores, terrified to lose that feeling with the moon. But I never meant to give you the night, I never meant to think I loved you.”

DSCF0601“I don’t know what it is and I may never know but there really is a pull that Ireland has that is inexplicable. There is magic in this country. When I was at my lowest, doubting myself and missing everyone, I found someone who felt exactly the same. Then I found a hostel I loved after a drive that was breathtaking and I made some friends. Maybe it’s crazy, but I don’t know if a place that wasn’t magical would have made that happen.”

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“I think I know now that this trip is the best possible thing I ever could have done for myself. Ever.”

DSCF0672“I always use the metaphor of Superman on Krypton. When you’re Irish and you’re anywhere but Ireland, people treat you like you’re Superman. The world loves you and wants to know everything about you. But when you’re in Ireland, you’re just another Kryptonite and no one cares about you at all. – a young Irish man I met.”

DSCF0726“I think I’m starting to understand love and what it takes to feel it. Love doesn’t always come from another person, in fact I think it rarely does. When someone loves you, they are reflecting back to you what you’re truly feeling. Being away like this has made me realize that to love yourself isn’t that hard. You can be loved by a river, by a tree, by the grass under your feet. You can be loved by the wind or the peeking sun. Quite often, this love, the one given to you by the world around you, is stronger than any love any person can give. It’s constant and unwavering, ready to catch you when you fall to your knees at the hands of human induced heartbreak. The people in my life are stunning, phenomenal people. Their love is strong and constant. And now I know that when I’m not with them it is their hearts I feel in the river, the tree, the grass, the wind, and the peeking sun.”

DSCF0748“When should we sleep
The sun is gone
And our eyelids tired
But somehow
We won’t be ready
Just lay your head
On my chest
Let me feel your breath
This could be it
But please, do not say it
Our hands wind
Tangled mess of nerves
Here is my heart
Silent in my palm
You know it’s not for you
When we do sleep
Your head will drift
To the mood of our love
We will awake
Facing two walls
And this might be it
The sun is gone
Now when do we sleep.”

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