Tonight on my bike ride home I was six inches and a quick swerve away from being taken out by a car. They were turning left, paying attention to whether cars were coming but not to me. They didn’t see me until it was almost too late, our combined efforts of brake slamming and wheel turning saving me from hitting the pavement (or their windshield).
I was five minutes from home and I spent the rest of that time shaking. I could feel it all bubbling up inside me, everything deep down in there, rising to the surface, making its way to my throat. I started breathing deeply, focusing on my building appearing in my sights. Focusing on the road ahead of me. The cars around me. Anything but how I was feeling.
I walked in to my apartment, slumped against the wall and cried. My cat sat in front of me, meowing, staring, wondering, as everything I was trying to swallow down came to the surface. Sweat dripping over my skin, tears streaming down my cheeks, my breath nearly uncontrollable.Six inches and a quick swerve away from inconsolable.
Lately I’ve had a lot of things come to the surface. I’ve thought about things I hadn’t thought about in awhile. I’ve remembered moments that I wanted to bury forever. I opened up, I let in, I was shut out. I understood but after everything, after it all, I don’t know.
It seems fitting that I nearly got hit by a car.
My only aim in life is to be good. To be true. To be real. To be honest. To be loving. To be there.
If I can make it through and say I had been those things most of the time then I think I’ve been successful at living.
But some days it’s really, really hard.
Some days you want to throw it all away like my shoes that I ripped off my feet ten minutes ago and threw at the closet. Some days you want to slump against a wall and sob because you almost got hit by a fucking car and the only thing that made you feel is sorry for everything that came before.
I’m living my best life right now.
But some days it all comes flooding back and you wonder to yourself, “How did I ever make it out of that?”
And you hope to god you never go back.
And that you don’t get hit by a fucking car.